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ah ha(i think i might know what it is)

i think im so upset over all this, because i guess i thought i was paid up or something.
i guess you fucking just learn something new every day huh.
i guess i forgot just how fucked up the plot can be...
thats all i guess...

End Transmission/Phase Transition

I dont even know how to begin this. I dont know how to deal with this kind of thing. Oh please trust me, I read your note, I'm not angry. I understand, however imperfectly. I have tried to exit ths Existance many times. You had much more effective means than I did, and most likely, you were not in the company of others.
as much as i can see things from your perspective i just need to get this out.

I am selfish. There clear as cystal, i am selfish. I want YOU back HERE with US! FUCK THOSE JACKASSES at your job. Man not everybody's gonna listen. Because on so many points YOU ARE RIGHT, lots of people dont like that at ALL. Man i know its hard to thnk about getting used to that kind of thing. The utter blindness of people at large is daunting. Maybe im Jealous. I dont want to go on, im like Fuck it. But i dont have any choice...my life is no longer my own to do with as i wish. If it were i doubt id be sitting here now.


I wish i knew when you started pondering this. Shock of Shocks....when i saw you last week, you seemed ok...i never would have thought this would happen...thank you for seeking me out. Thank you for the Martini, Thank You for the Many years of Friendship. You are one of the reasons i am who i am now. Your input is greatly appreciated.

Times like this i wish i believed in an afterlife. You are even more a part of Us All now though, because you exist now in your words, in our hearts, in our minds instaed of physically. it is up to us now. you will not be forgotten. I will tell Sev about you. Im so glad you got to meet him before you went....

You knew me long ago. You know how all this that i seem to be is a mask. My whole conscious existance is one huge attempt to tune IT ALL OUT. Sometimes i think im already dead. i sure dont feel alive. well, now i do, because i am in such Great Pain. And as i try to be of tao, i appreciate this pain, this gargantuan wellspring of grief, and confusion. you know why. i am not angry. i just want to see yu again. all these people JUST NOW telling you how brilliant you are and stuff.....only just now? im sure you know i love you. if you are somewhere still self-aware, maybe omniscient, i hope you will look in on me and sev from time to time.

and ill try to tell that which cannot be told, gleeful in how futile it is, and suprised when its "got".

i do not grok the Blue, but now when i see it every-damn-where, i grok something though i do not grok what it is.

i wish id have kept in touch better. im so glad we got to hang out at Sundown....

Tags:

absence

the loss of a dar friend is always shitty.
how he went isnt important (gotcha!) not to me.
what gets me is that hes not here.
call me selfish, but i want him back...
theres the grasping at straws feeling...
i dont even feel lke hes gone....
but i know ill never see him again...
oh well
what will be will be....
I know i swore
but so did you
what was i supposed to do?
stay,
and lose everything
just for the sake
of not letting you down...
you who had betrayed me
cut me to the core
first you left me
sobbing, empty, and sore
i waited,
thinking of you
of your return,
oblivious
of your new concern,
you and your dope-whore

at least i was never that.

and so it was and so it shall be
that you will always abhor me
im glad
because now i hear of your pain.
hes a madman since you left they say
but im sure
you can still hit a vein,
and try to forget
a love in vain,
the emptiness of it
and how we were each others
sad, lonely little worlds.

i hope you loathe the day we met
i surely do
and i will never forget
the lessons learned
while getting burned
one of these days
ill put you away
a sad memory
way way way
in the back of my mind

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vivisection, strange, preservation, jar, kitty
1thousandreams
Elise, the Misanthropic Masochist
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